Nineteen

The past two days have been for the birds.I grow very impatient when I don't know the reason behind things, and why things never seem to go my way. Life can really, put in simple terms, suck.Especially when you feel you are so ready for something, but the timing isn't right.I try to find joy in everything, but sometimes it is so hard when you are going through calamity. In the midst of the storm it is hard to catch your breath. But when you do, it is amazing. Like a drink of water after you haven't had anything to drink for hours. Or after sitting down once you have been on your feet all day. It feels good, and seeking joy feels right. I know I am always talking about joy, and seeking it, finding it, and loving it. But it is something that does not come easy for me. To be extrememly honest, right now is not a time where I feel I am growing a lot. I feel as if I am stalemate, and I am tired. My brother is my best friend, and even though he is younger than me, he is wise beyond his years. He is someone I could not live without. After talking to him tonight I feel as if I can breathe again, and know that there is a reason for all of this. He read this to me, and told me something that will most likely stay with me forever.

"Search as hard as you like, you're not going to make sense of it. No matter how smart you are, you won't get to the bottom of it." Ecclesiastes 8:17

and then he said,

"Erika, maybe the journey to the end will be horrible, but at the end you will say it is all worth it. It's not anything you can figure out, it's not anything you can understand; because God is God."

And now I can draw in a deep breath and relax, and know that one day, I will see why this happened.