Nineteen

The past two days have been for the birds.I grow very impatient when I don't know the reason behind things, and why things never seem to go my way. Life can really, put in simple terms, suck.Especially when you feel you are so ready for something, but the timing isn't right.I try to find joy in everything, but sometimes it is so hard when you are going through calamity. In the midst of the storm it is hard to catch your breath. But when you do, it is amazing. Like a drink of water after you haven't had anything to drink for hours. Or after sitting down once you have been on your feet all day. It feels good, and seeking joy feels right. I know I am always talking about joy, and seeking it, finding it, and loving it. But it is something that does not come easy for me. To be extrememly honest, right now is not a time where I feel I am growing a lot. I feel as if I am stalemate, and I am tired. My brother is my best friend, and even though he is younger than me, he is wise beyond his years. He is someone I could not live without. After talking to him tonight I feel as if I can breathe again, and know that there is a reason for all of this. He read this to me, and told me something that will most likely stay with me forever.

"Search as hard as you like, you're not going to make sense of it. No matter how smart you are, you won't get to the bottom of it." Ecclesiastes 8:17

and then he said,

"Erika, maybe the journey to the end will be horrible, but at the end you will say it is all worth it. It's not anything you can figure out, it's not anything you can understand; because God is God."

And now I can draw in a deep breath and relax, and know that one day, I will see why this happened.

Eighteen.

Life is crazy, as previously stated.

Things happen unexpectantly day in and day out.

Just as soon as I feel like I have everything figured out, a realization hits hard, and fast.

And it hurts.

And I realize that never, will I ever have it all figured out.

This past semester has been amazing.

I have learned a lot about myself, and a lot about my God.

And even if I would have known what is happening right now was going to happen before I left home, I still would have gone. I have no regrets about my decision to go off to school, and I firmly believe that where I was, was where God wanted me at that time in my life.

Lately I feel as if I have been striving harder than ever to seek God's plan for my life, and to seek His love and peace in every single moment of time that passes, with every breath I take.

My heart had begun to feel calloused, and apathetic towards many situations, and circumstances. Not because I did not want to care, but simply becuase I was afraid to be hurt. I build walls, that is just how I deal.

I find it extremely hard to open my heart, straightfowardly to not be hurt.

So, I had been working on not making my heart feeble, but simply letting more people in to know all of who I am, and know all there is to me.

So, I began to scramble and make a change in my life, and in my heart, and I began to make great progress. I have begun to let people in, and allowed my heart to fully care more than ever about people, even knowing I could end up being hurt in the end. But to me, that doesn't matter anymore. It is a daily exertion, but more than worth it.

Although all these remarkable things are happening in my life, a huge battle has begun.

I am battling a sickness that not many people know about, and it has taken a toll on my body, and obviously my health. After much prayer, thought, and advice, I have decided that during this time in my life I need my family and close friends more than ever. I need a good system of support, and I feel as if I have that at home. I have come to the conclusion that I am not going back to school in Marshall. There are many reasons for this colossal adjustment.

As many of you know, I feel called to carry out my ministry in California, and that is much more important to me than going off for college. I had to decided wether or not I want to start getting better now, and hopefully ready for California this summer, or later.

And there is absolutely no doubt in my mind that there is a reason for this illness.

I have complete faith and hope in my maker, and I am ready to fight.

I feel peace that only come from my God of Love, and with that harmony, I am all set.

I am on the brink of something large, a revolution.

Seventeen.

I believe that everything happens for a reason.

I believe that not one instance in our lives is irrelevant, and I believe that each moment that passes means much.

Often times I catch my self wondering, "Why am I going through this?"

How predictible, simply humanistic.

I try so hard to recall my faith on this subject everytime something does not go my way, and everytime I am confused about what is going on.

And each and everytime I draw the same conclusion as the instance before.

Life is crazy, and love is crazier.

But I have the assurance of knowing that my plans have been mapped out perfectly, even since before I was born.I have the blessing of a king that cares so much for me that each moment in my life leads to another in an extremely relevant, and amazing way.

And somehow, even when I mess up and do my own thing, those moments that hurt, and those moments of vunerability, lead to a beautiful moment.

And this beautiful moment, which is life, leads to a perfect eternity with the creator of the universe.

My heart aches for those who don't know, and those who do not believe.

Because they don't have this assurance.

Without this, without knowing that what I am going through has a purpose, and a significance in my perfectly divine plan, my life would be a jumble of an emotional, scared, paranoid mess.

Because of this I am able to breathe, and not stress.

I am able to lay back and relax while I live moment to moment; and enjoy each passing one.

I can smile when nothing good has even happened, and I can laugh in the worst possible moments because I am living for a king whose love is greater than any.

I am living for a king who is smiling back, and knowing that one day I will understand why everything happens, and when that happens, I will forever be seated at His throne and in His presence.

My smile right now is huge.

It is not happiness I have.

It is joy.

Pure Joy.

Goodnight, World.

I hope you seek this peace.

sixteen.

Life has been going wonderful lately, absolutely perfect.
I got rid of the bad in my life, and have begun to embrace the good; and to hold on to the joy I have. I have begun to appreciate even the smallest of things, and seek happiness from them. I have opened my heart and allowed vunerability, and allowed myself to truly care about someone who is absolutely wonderful.
This is something that is very hard for me to do, because I am so afraid to be hurt. I build walls, in hopes to stay safe, and sometimes I end up more hurt in the end because sometimes, I have learned, it is good to feel pain rather than nothing at all, rather than numbness. Just to ensure yourself that you are alive, and have not become hard to emotion.
I have changed a great amount in the past few months of living here, and I am really enjoying who God is molding me into. I have become passive about small things that have no significance, and I do not stress about anything anymore. What is the point?
What is the point to not be happy, what is the point to see the bad in everything? It is just hurting yourself.
Through my self discovery I am learning much patience, and this for me is much needed.
I have decided to let God work, and I will do my job, and wait. My God can see much more than I can, and I trust that his plans for me are perfect.

No longer will I be afraid to feel.



"Sometimes though, we build walls, not to keep people out; but to see who cares enough to knock them down."


All for now, World.

fifteen.

But sometimes, I know why they arn't.

Fourteen.

Sometimes I wish things were different.

Thirteen.

"Discouragment is disillusioned self-love, and self-love may be love for my devotion to Jesus... not love for Jesus, Himself."

-Oswald Chambers